i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Randomize
