Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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