Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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