I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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