apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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