Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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