he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
