At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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