Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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