im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
he told me I talked like a deaf person
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
