Me too!
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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