forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
