I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
