Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize