i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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