my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
