and she was petting her beer can
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
