I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
