I hate all girls vehemently.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
