Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
