the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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