Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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