Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
how can u be prego again
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
