True but thats because hes a fetus.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
