My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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