Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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