If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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