that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
