yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Randomize
