Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
