mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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