I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
