Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize