highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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