It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
