You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
