hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
