Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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