I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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