I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
dude. I can hear the air.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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