At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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