My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
