Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
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