I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
