dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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