also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Randomize
