Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
