we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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