I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
