She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
