my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
