The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
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