Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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