wanna go halves on a baby?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
