youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
