no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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