You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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