I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Randomize
