Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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