how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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