remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
