it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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