Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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