I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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