Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
