update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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