seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
